Emotions over Emotions

Choosing Myself, Even When It Hurts

Hello there,

Today, I didn’t want to write not because I had nothing to say, but because I needed to choose myself. Yet somehow, choosing myself always leads me back here, to writing.

This entire week, I’ve been waking up tired and sore. I brushed it off at first, but today my body demanded attention. I woke up feeling sick – aching bones, aching muscles, a sore throat, a pounding head. Everything felt heavy.

But life doesn’t pause when we do.
I had work to check off, so I pushed myself as far as I could. I cooked for myself because I was alone. I tried to manage the day with the little strength I had left.

Then, in the middle of all that, the wind picked up outside. I glanced at my phone and saw a message from a dear friend:

Her dad had passed.

In that moment, my sickness didn’t matter. My work didn’t matter. My body’s cries for rest didn’t matter. My emotions collided with hers, and suddenly I was grieving with her, for her, beside her even though I couldn’t physically be there.

I cried.
I worried about how she must be feeling.
I stressed over how to console her from afar.
I felt helpless.

I took a shower, gathered myself, and prepared to speak to her. But the truth is, even as I tried to be strong, my own body was weakening.

Then it started to rain.

The rain made everything feel heavier; my body, my thoughts, my emotions. I cried again, wondering what my next step should be. I called my cousin, the closest person by proximity to me, but even then I worried about exposing him to whatever illness I was battling.

Eventually, I braced myself to head to the hospital. I knew I couldn’t make it far, so I stopped at the nearest pharmacy and lab. And while waiting for my results, I encouraged myself to write this.

Now I’m back home after a long, emotional conversation about something that weighs heavily on my heart.
I couldn’t go to church today, but I know God sees the heart long before He sees the body.

And I’m proud of myself. Proud that I still found the strength to write.

Life has a way of reminding us that we are stronger than we think.
But it also teaches us that it’s okay to be weak, to be vulnerable, to be overwhelmed by emotions stacked on emotions.

Strength isn’t always loud.
Sometimes it’s the quiet decision to keep going.
Sometimes it’s the whisper that says, “Write.”
Sometimes it’s the courage to rest.

With hopefully healthy smiles,
HerSplendidThoughts